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I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to givethis thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.Am I wrong?So, there I sat! in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.The directions said that:a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; anda three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself,. " Nodding to Jesse, I continued, "Jesse has done a great job with it."A little wistfully, I added, "It only needs a family to make it perfect!"Jesse turned red at this.The day was perfect. The steaks and ribs were just right along with all the accouterments the womenfolk had been working on for a couple of days. Sometimes Jesse was with me; sometimes she wandered off with Jan or one of the kids. She seemed like a girl at her first circus: running around constantly to make sure she didn't miss anything.After dinner we all moved to the biggest of the barns. It was always fixed up on the Fourth for the big dance, and neighbors from all over the valley showed up. The dance was always the highlight of this holiday weekend — everyone had great fun.Jesse came in dressed in tight jeans, a flashy cowgirl shirt with a leather vest and new cowboy boots. She looked lovely. When the band started playing, I walked over to her, bowed, and asked, "Milady, may I have the pleasure of this first.
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Telling the three of them the story of Genevieve's difficult pregnancy and delivery and how weak she still was, Mom agreed that the last thing 'that poor dear' needed was to have a houseful of guests.It boded well for the future that Genevieve had graduated from 'that Italian woman' to 'that poor dear.' After I handed the photo album I'd brought to Mom, she and Aunt Al were off to spread glad tidings of joy to the assembled masses.Dad remained behind, remarking, "After this shindig is over we'll be lucky to see your mom again for a month." Don't you want to go see your new granddaughter, Dad?" Of course, I do. But if living with your mom all these years has taught me one thing, it's taught me that if I get between her and her granddaughter... Why, your mom will run me over and leave me as roadkill without a second thought. What say the two of us go and check out your new boat."Of course everyone wanted to be on the first plane but Mom decreed that since Genevieve was so weak only.

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